Someday, one day
by Vilian
Summary: When dreams about good things are a bad thing.
1. The nightmares begin (Jyn)

_**A/N1:** The story will unravel into similarly constructed thing as _The way to fix it _or_ Wordless _, i.e._ _two separate POV's first and a follow-up later - but, as my urge to write strikes me at odd times, nothing's ever granted, no publication dates planned._ _As usual, please enjoy anyway; comments and suggestions muchly appreciated:3_

* * *

New type of nightmares appears suddenly. Unlike her usual ones, new dreams aren't scary or gruesome at all, yet are still disturbing, in their own way. Jyn suspects that the sense of relative safety within Rebellion has slowly replaced one thing with the other. Images of war, of fear and blood, of unsure _here and now_ had turned to something entirely else: vision of things she possibly could wish for own future, love and tenderness of _someday, one day_. After first couple of times, Jyn really had wanted the dreams to become more explicit, even pornographic. She knows a thing or two about the need to unwind, about the need to seek out for a quick physical release. She knows how to handle them. But _those_? Night after night, she wakes up aching for more. She is sleeping less than ever, less even than in Wobani or right after Scarif. This way she's trying hard to avoid dreaming about things she needs to forget about, things taken away from her forever. Jyn refuses to indulge into a world of imaginary pleasures, but the lingering memories are hard to ignore, so she sleeps less and less - and suffers more and more.

All the dreams are absolutely identical: she finds herself in an embrace. It's not a hostile, violent hold, not something out of the battlefield. It's a delicate, careful touch of friendly and trusted arms, hug of a lover. The situation itself somehow is not confusing at all, quite the opposite - feels perfectly natural, even though Jyn doesn't recognize the person clutching her. No, _the most confusing part_ is the lack of lust or heat between her and the man the body belongs to. What she feels is just an enormous calm, safety and happiness in the arms of a person, who apparently treats her as fragile and precious. The other _confusing thing_ is what each and every time kicks her back to reality: a sound. And it's not one of soft whispers in a warm voice, the words on the verge of comprehension, but _something that escapes her own throat._ In her dreams, Jyn reacts to every dozen of feather-light kisses her phantom lover pecks all over her arm, then neck, then side of face, then top of her head: she giggles after each kisses series, makes tiny silly shy sounds that - oddly - seem to encourage the man. And then the sheer bliss reaches the peak when he acts even more sappy by kissing the tip of her nose, and she _laughs out loud,_ and the foggy scene ends abruptly. This unfamiliar noise, this carefree laughter, is waking her up every single time. Jyn had wanted to recall the features of her phantom lover, but to no avail. She gives up after numerous tries, when the understanding finally dawns on her. The nameless figure is probably just a mean to make her realize she's a victim to touch starvation: subconscious yet physically painful longing for closeness of a trusted, very special living being.

She _doesn't notice_ the clearly worried look that Cassian gives her whenever they meet. She _doesn't notice_ how carefully he inspects her gradually more tired face and deeper shadows under the eyes. She _does notice_ however, that he probably has some new issues on his own, as he looks as if he hasn't been sleeping too well recently either. But she won't ask. As much as she would like to help, Jyn's afraid that Cassian might just deflect the question, demand the answer from her instead. She trusts him with all her might, but such weakness, such stupid vulnerability, this is just too much to admit. She won't allow him to look at her as a burden, a mentally unstable liability. No, she'll endure the torment in silence. _She always does._

* * *

 _ **A/N2:** Came to me during a long train trip to a music festival; Chapter 1 written down on the train back home, Chapter 2 around a week later. _  
_Everything else - when it comes, it comes. Can't promise regular updates, sorry._

 _Used to have similar dreams - now not even dreams have anything good to offer anymore though._


	2. The nightmares begin (Cassian)

_**A/N:** Not entirely sure what am I doing or where exactly is this thing heading to, so better wish me luck. Gonna need lots of it ^^'_

* * *

This is not something Cassian would ever expect from himself. He's great at handling personal issues, compartmentalizing whatever he can't afford to process at a given moment. He just efficiently pushes forward, on and on, no turning back. Something finally had gotten him though, something he didn't foresee catching upon him. _Regular_ nightmares are bad enough, all the violence and treachery done in the name of greater good resurfacing at nights, tormenting and haunting. But why, _why now_ does he have to dream about things he can't enjoy in reality? Cassian has committed his whole life to the fight against the Empire, so that _someday, one day_ people could live their lives in peace. Having too much of blood and dirt on his hands, he'd never even dare to imagine future for himself, nothing apart of dying under an alias in a far-off corner of the galaxy. All he can ever have is _here and now_ , and he's just condemned to not have anything else. The dreams that start appearing suddenly are a cruel mockery, and they rob Cassian out of little sleep he is already having - because he just will not give in to a beautiful fantasy of something not his to experience.

Second after second, minute after minute, new dreams are a perfect copy of each other. They all start in a nondescript time and place, without any hints as to _when_ or _where_. Not that it matters, as there's a certain feature to these dreams that makes everything else irrelevant: there's _a person_ wrapped up in his arms. It's not a dying ally to abandon, a foe to break his neck, a mark to slit his throat. Instinctively Cassian already knows that the situation has nothing to do with any combat or mission - hells, it has nothing to do with war itself, as they seem to be closed in a bubble of happiness completely outside the rest of the universe. It's so strange to feel just this overwhelming, pure joy, without apparent reason. Or, maybe _there is a reason_ for this, but he just can't see it, confused with unfamiliar sensation? Either way, it is a strange feeling, but also an incredibly pleasurable one. And, surprisingly, it's something completely non-erotic, even if so much closeness is involved. In these dreams he's tightly wrapped around a person, a woman; he can feel her body heat against his skin, her calm breathing pattern against his chest, her arms wound around him. Cassian doesn't recognize her, not in conscious attempts, but in his vision they do know each other. What more, the woman does not seem disgusted by the touch of his bloodied hands of an assassin or dirty lips of a liar - quite on the contrary, she's enjoying it. She's obviously quite contented, giggling when he gently covers her body in a flurry of delicate, innocent kisses. Then he gets bold, frames the face of this fragile, precious creature with his palms and puts the silliest kiss of them all, a peck to the tip of her nose. She reacts with a vibrant infectious laughter, but before he can try and see if he's even able to accompany her, the dream comes to an abrupt halt. Cassian wakes up empty and aching as if something was violently ripped out of him. He longs for more of the touch and the gentleness and the kindness, things he's willing to try both to give and take, but almost for certain will never have the chance to. Cassian avoids shrinks and won't consult them, even if it'd be a sensible thing to do. Yet, he's suddenly afraid he may finally break and get _swallowed by the illusion_ , _lost in the dream world_ , so instead he handles the issue in a well-tried manner. He skips as much of his sleep time as he can physically endure, knowing things will get better with time passing by. _They don't though._

With his Scarif companion Jyn, they are partners on assignments and - outside of them - _something close to friends_ now. Sharing the experience of being sole Scarif survivors, they had managed _to get a grip_ of the present and the past, having silent but steady support of each other. He trusts Jyn more than anyone, ever, but those dreams - it's something else. She most probably wouldn't allow him anywhere near her anymore if he'd turn out to be weak, out of sudden; especially that she looks like she has some fresh problems on her own. He needs to be strong for both of them, thus he will cope with the problem alone. _He always does._


	3. Close, yet so far

The inevitable finally comes, and Jyn with Cassian get a shared assignment. Usually, they'd be happy being able to work together, to enjoy each other's company. Usually though there are no secrets between them, no topics to avoid. This time, they almost do not talk at all, save the piloting-related basics. Instead of amiable silence, the atmosphere in cockpit is heavy with awkward stillness.

It's slightly easier for Cassian. All he has to do is to return to his old spy attitude. The cold mask is no longer comfortable, and he truly despises himself for wearing it in front of Jyn, the only person who is allowed to see the _real him_. He puts it on anyway, for the sake of them both, for the sake of surviving the ongoing mission. It's tiresome and feels just wrong, yet he can't see any other option. He can't reveal how weak he is, not yet, not _now._

It's really tough for Jyn. Now that she has found someone she can trust all of herself to, it pains her to hide anything from Cassian. The effort to act _relatively_ normal makes her even more tired than she already is. Her shoulders and back ache from keeping herself straight, instead of sagging heavily into co-pilot's seat. She excuses herself early for the night, and it uses all the energy she still might have, to not literally sprint out from the cockpit.

Now that she's not facing Cassian directly and doesn't have to keep her face neutral, Jyn is on a verge of breaking down. She's exhausted, she needs to rest, wants to rest, and yet all she can have is letting her tense muscles relax for a tiny bit. Laying down with eyes wide open is the only type of rest Jyn is having tonight. She can't fall asleep, that would mean reliving her wild fantasies once more and - instead of focusing on the mission - being distracted with imaginary luxuries. Jyn stretches out couple of times on the bed, which makes her even more aware of how tired she actually is. Finding a _comfortable, but not too comfortable_ position to stay conscious all night long won't be easy, not this time.

They've just safely jumped into hyperspace, so Cassian can leave his seat for couple of hours too. He can't stand sitting down there anymore, remembering how oddly Jyn was behaving beside him - himself acting like a creepy stranger as well. The cockpit suddenly seems to be too tight and its atmosphere choking, almost toxic. Even with no plans for actual sleep, Cassian makes a hasty retreat towards his cabin. He needs rest, badly, but dozing off is completely out of question. He opts for a quick stretch of his legs and back instead. As soon as his head touches down the pillow, his eyes close on their own and dreamy images of somebody's delicate palms flood him completely. Cassian springs out of bed with leftovers of free will, stumbling against the bulkhead. This is getting really terrifying, this madness - but, deep down, the imaginary touch is still... _enjoyable._

Jyn finds the night cycle temperature set way too low for her taste, but _she'd had it worse._ Besides, shivering and occasional sneezing help in staying awake, just like this strange noise from behind the wall. She wonders briefly what Cassian might be doing there, but prefers not to meet him so soon after her escape from the cockpit. She doesn't go out on a hunt for additional blanket either. Jyn grits her chattering teeth, curls up in a tight ball and just tries her best at pushing away images from her dreams, the memories of someone's assuring presence and soothing warmth. Whenever she's getting dangerously close to drowsing away, she lets cold air flow freely under her blanket until she's shivering again. She does that all night long, every several minutes.

Cassian is sitting on the bed, palms flat on tights, spine rigid. He just breathes slowly, in and out. His muscles would be stiff, his back sore in the morning, but _he'd had it worse._ It's a small price to pay for not falling asleep. He can hear Jyn's sneezing from behind thin wall and it does make him feel guilty, but the chill helps to stay alert and keep his eyes open. He's afraid that as soon as he might close his eyes, he could drown in sweet illusion, once and for all. His sanity is crucial to keep them both alive through the mission, so a bit of cold is the lesser evil; still almost a pleasant one comparing to other _lesser evil_ deeds he'd ever committed.

They can't wait for the morning to come. And it eventually comes, but doesn't make anything easier.


	4. Until the dawn

_**A/N:** This chapter is the longest one so far, but really couldn't find a good place to split it. Brace yourselves and enjoy it in its whole lenghty, angsty glory. I promise the story is heading somewhere more pleasant and less angsty - just need to stop it from _writing itself _and start_ writing it _instead... ^^'_

* * *

Ever since their Eadu expedition, torrent of rain is a dreadful phenomena to bear for both of them. Tropical rains were simple to handle on Yavin, inside the base, where one could easily avoid the noise of the droplets, their smell, their touch. But on a foreign planet, in the open, it brings too many painful memories - no wonder then that the atmosphere in the cockpit is rather grim. And as if this distraction wouldn't be enough, both Jyn and Cassian are on the verge of collapsing from exhaustion, lack of sleep turning them into pale shadows of themselves. Yet, both claim that _all is fine_ and they can proceed with the mission.

The assignment itself is quite a simple one: to contact a tiny Rebel cell. It's a remote planet outpost, hidden deep in a jungle, that the Alliance suddenly stopped receiving reports from. The time is not on their side, it has never been, so there's no other way than to go out in the rain and investigate things as soon as they land, right after the local sunset. Jyn copes with surroundings a bit easier than she'd expect - after all, Eadu wasn't the only green rainy hell she'd ever had to wade through, albeit definitely most memorable one. On the other hand, Cassian is specializing in urban warfare, so has it much worse. For him it's a first assignment since Eadu that requires acting in similar setting, and he just cannot push away entirely all what had happened back then. But he has to grit his teeth and get past the memories, focus on the mission objectives instead. The chances are they'll complete this mission in much better shape than the Eadu one: this time no dead parents, no explosions, no screaming out their most hidden pains. This might not be the main goal, but is just as important one as the assignment itself is.

The only place even remotely suitable for a landing pad lies quite far from the location they are headed for. It's a long route across the jungle, and Jyn decides she will lead the way through the hostile environment. Cassian is too tired to argue and just follows her steps obediently, limiting his actions to occasional help in cutting down the greenery or to taking life form readings from the closest area. She _would be_ surprised by his lack of spirit, _should be_ surprised, but is too tired herself to feel even that much. For agonizing hours it's just foliage, mud and rain, all along their way; the only sounds being those from disturbed fauna and cut down flora.

The punishing trudge finally leads Jyn and Cassian to an opening in the forest. It seems to be the exact location they're after, the coordinates do match - but the looks don't. Instead of concealed military camp, all that's visible are craters deep in the ground and debris above them. The craters, burnt tree stumps, scraps of twisted durasteel, molten plastoid drips, soot-covered bricks; all of these mark the place as a bombing site, instantly recognizable as such. Both people have already had more than enough of such views, too often witnessing TIE bombers' work on both civil and Rebel settlements, all across the galaxy. From the personal experience each can easily tell that it's been at least several days since the bombing: rain already had washed away the acrid smell, plants are starting to cover scorched ruins, jungle is reclaiming the area quickly and efficiently. The accompanying silence is deafening, allowing the image of destruction to sink in and anger paired with grief to build up.

No life forms detected, save for small creatures scurrying away from under their feet. Thorough search proves that there are no corpses either, nothing to bury. Local carnivore beasts took the liberty of disposing the bodies. The animals have spared the people horrid duty, but, at the same time, have robbed them out of even this poor kind of closure. All is left - charred remnants of equipment, shreds of clothing and boots - does not require burial, and does not require commenting either. It's only when Jyn trips over half-burnt helmet, she kicks it away with sudden fury and starts spewing stream of obscenities, long and loud. Before dumbfounded Cassian has time to react, she falls silent and - like a broken droid - limply crumples down to her knees. Jyn feels the bruises forming, and is aware she cannot muster no will nor energy to get up. That's the limit of what she acknowledges at the moment though. Uncontrolled sobs shake her body, and she has no idea whether she's mourning for the fallen people, for their families, for idiocy of this kriffing war, for stupidity of entire galaxy, or maybe just for herself - so very tired and stuck in this hell _all alone_.

She's definitely _not alone_. Stunned Cassian is watching, the man feeling powerless like never before. Jyn's sudden vulnerability makes a truly distressing image, for so many _impossible to name_ reasons. The horrid heart squeezing he gets at the sight is something Cassian had long forgotten, he'd removed sympathy from his life almost completely. Panicking or grieving civilians, operatives with sudden nervous breakdown, that's something he's been encountering every now and then, true. But he used to manage such things indifferently, in any way that was best for the ongoing mission. Most often it was just leaving such people behind, as a burden. Sometimes it was quiet, patient waiting until they could overcome the weakness and start to be of any use again. And sometimes, it had meant adding another layer of innocent blood on his hands, if the people were becoming obstacles. Cassian shudders at the thought of treating weeping Jyn like just _hysterical random anybody_ , leaving her on her own or _eliminating the liability_ she might be at the moment. Deserting her would be pretty much equal to killing her anyway - he already knows that much. He also knows that something has shifted in him back then at Eadu. People are no longer to him just what they are to the Cause: allies or foes, useful or useless. And Jyn, in his life she quickly became someone so much more than the questionable ally she was at first. She's important, not by any means as a tool, but as a person. She's someone who trusts him implicitly, someone whom he can trust all of himself too; a family member, _a friend_. Her current state is not something he can ignore, he can't just stand and stare, or turn away. Emotions are a complicated matter Cassian is not really good at handling, but for Jyn he's willing to try. He has to be of some help, because if his own heart of a _cold killer_ is in pain, how she might feel now, when visibly falling apart?

Jyn doesn't notice Cassian slowly coming closer, she doesn't see through the tears how he kneels down in front of her, or how he stretches arm towards her. It's only when he chooses to carefully put his hand on her shoulder, she looks at him, startled. Cassian knows usually it's a risky idea, initiating physical contact with her. Usually she flinches and is ready to shred the offender to pieces with her bare teeth. But nothing is usual about this place or this exact moment. Jyn accepts the gesture with eagerness that surprises them both; instead of avoiding the touch, she doesn't want it to cease. Her gloved hand - almost like if having life on its own - covers Cassian's palm, keeping it gently in place. The heat that radiates from his to her own skin, through layers of wet and dirty clothing, drags her from the depths of self-flagellation back to reality. This warmth seems to be an anchor of some sort, something that holds her among the living. It's also something that reminds her this is not a good time or place for traveling down the memory lane, yearning for people or things that can't be brought back. Jyn blinks away tears and gulps back last sobs; she can do that now, because Cassian lends her his strength. That's how they'd managed to survive the Scarif events and the aftermath of those - by sharing the strength to carry on when the other already might've had none. Tonight though there may be more to their survival than just the strength sharing.

Going back to the ship will take much longer than getting here, even if they'd recklessly decide to simply retrace their earlier path. No matter the route taken or how hard they would want to just leave this place behind, both have to rest first. This means spending the night right here, if they want to get back to Rebellion - _get back home_ \- in one piece. They have no thermal capes or sleeping bags, as no-one could expect staying overnight out in the wild. It was supposed to be small but functional military base; instead, the whole place is just trash, plants and omnipresent water. It's not exactly cold, but their clothes are thoroughly drenched - Cassian's most definitely are, and he can feel under his fingers that Jyn's are probably too - so the danger of pneumonia is very real. With mental energy drained as well as physical, starting the travel all the way back is a poor idea. As they are both truly _in a bad shape_ , even if probably for different reasons, immediate return is a venture with very little chance of success. Slowly, ever so carefully, Cassian helps Jyn back to her feet by cautious grasp on her elbows; her one hand still on his, moving together. Jyn instantly starts looking around. Her face is red, wet with not just the rain, and she's gritting her teeth hard, but manages to get back to her pragmatic self. She's already thinking about the ways to last through the night; Cassian is at assessing the surroundings too. With slight delay they both notice the physical contact is still maintained, their palms exactly where they were. Steadying hold is completely unnecessary now, and upon this realization, both quickly unravel their hands. It was odd, but it's nothing to talk about, there are more important things to take care of at the moment. This void felt where the ghost of touch still lingers, it's yet another thing to push away and forget about as soon as possible.

Simultaneously, as if on cue, both turn their attention to a corner between two low wall stubs. Upon a closer inspection this indeed looks like a decent place for a tiny shelter. Removal of piling up rubble reveals ground that is moist, but without water puddles gathering. The walls are wrecked but stable and keep the rain from cascading on the inside, so this will have to do. Bits and pieces of durasteel sheets and plasteel bars, a couple of tree branches, both camouflage ponchos; what comes up is a cramped space, but relatively dry and maybe even warm, soon. Awkward stillness concludes the construction; the weather is restless though, it's time to make use of the hiding. Jyn is no stranger to heat sharing, a simple survival technique useful when at risk of hypothermia. She shrugs her wet jacket off and crawls into makeshift shack first, gesturing Cassian to follow - and so he does, leaving a pocket proximity alarm set outside. Jyn wriggles herself as deeply into the sheltered corner as possible, hoping the man would fit somewhere in there too, protected from the elements. To make most of the tight place they have to huddle closely, and throw the soaked jackets over themselves. They end up cuddling together beneath the heavy outer clothing as impromptu blankets: his arm over her shoulders, hers around his waist, his cheek to her hair, her cheek to his chest, legs entangled.

It's a clumsy and uncomfortable position - wet hair sticking to every piece of uncovered skin, limbs too long, knees and elbows too pointy, hands in all the wrong places. But this, the warmth of a fellow living being, of a _trusted_ living being, wipes the hesitation shockingly fast. Soon it feels perfectly normal to sit there all curled up, wrapped around each other. This arrangement is not only physically relaxing, giving rest to their bodies, but - what's even stranger - it's comforting to their minds as well. Intent on keeping the watch until the very morning, Cassian surprisingly just falls asleep on the spot, calmest he'd been in years. His breath is gently warming up Jyn's skin; it's so curiously - _how to call it, simply "nice" maybe?_ But before she can marvel longer over the sensation, her world turns fuzzy - _all is soft and safe and warm and_ \- and she drowses off too.

No dreams accompany either this time. The air of utter despair keeps even imaginary happiness firmly at bay. All they have tonight is this closeness; accidental as it is, yet not quite forced and not really unwelcome. This will do, until the dawn.


	5. In the eye of the storm (Cassian)

_**A/N:**_ _This is where it gets softer, at least for now, possibly for good. But since this still is_ writing itself _instead of_ being written _, the story will go wherever it wants to go. I'm just writing down whatever imagination puts in my head, and can't really change anything ^^'_  
 _But lookie, there's even a bit of dialog in here! xD_

* * *

Cassian wakes up suddenly. Even though his eyes stay closed and body relaxed, he's already gathering data on his whereabouts. It's one of the life-saving traits that made him Rebellion's top-spy: the instincts working long before the consciousness kicks in. His senses are flooded, so he instantly goes through the good old analyzing routine. The determined basics are as follows: darkness still engulfs the area completely; the only sound are raindrops around and above him; there's a noticeable faint stench of molten plastoid in the air, but also stronger smell of moist ground and overwhelming scent of wet hair and wet clothes. All of this is familiar, in a way. He'd been sleeping in similar places before. It's the warm weight over his chest that makes things weirder than usual.

The man recollects events of the past long hours. He remembers well the flight, the forest journey, the discovery of a completely destroyed encampment; finally, he knows how the current shelter was built. Although, to be honest, the thing he can recall best, in minute details, is something he'd rather forget about as soon as possible. Jyn's breakdown was a heart-wrenching thing to witness, even more than the dead ruins they've found instead of a rattling base. For now, he has to focus on safe return with the news to the Rebellion. But, maybe _someday, one day,_ in time and place for that, he could try to figure out why or when he'd became so empathic. Is it also one of the things thrown into his life by Jyn?

 _Right. Jyn._ She's the curious warm weight he can feel against his chest. She pillows her head above his heart, her calm breath almost burns his shirt-covered skin. She still trusts him, if she can sleep so calmly so close to him. Back at the ship her behavior was odd, like if Jyn was trying to distance herself from him; same goes for the whole time of their jungle trudge. Cassian admits bitterly that it might look like this to him, because it was exactly what he was trying to do himself: to put some distance between them. Luckily, it seems that no lasting harm was done to their relationship, no grudge is held against him. If it were, Jyn would have never let him to console her, nor she'd clutch at him in her sleep so trustingly. If she thinks him worthy putting all her confidence in, he can't lose that trust. And since Jyn is not afraid to expose her weaknesses to him, it has to be mutual, no exceptions. That means sharing with her the story of his brain-wrecking new nightmares, sooner or later, and Cassian sighs at the thought.

The movement was tiny, yet he groans inwardly. Apparently it was enough to wake Jyn up, as she shifts against him. He holds his breath, in hope she'd quickly go back to this poor substitute of well-deserved rest. But no, her hold tightens around his waist - _when did she manage to embrace him with both arms?_ \- and she stretches out her legs, dragging his own tangled together with hers. He takes upon the occasion to stretch out his long legs some more, hoping to avoid cramps building up. To that Jyn reacts with surprising swiftness for someone sleeping so deeply less than several seconds earlier - she quickly withdraws her arms from around him and straightens up, leaning away from him as far as possible. It's almost painful how empty and cold the world became without her, even if they still share the heat of tight space under their jackets; it's a truly peculiar feeling. Although, Cassian is more alarmed by Jyn's suddenly fast and shallow breathing, and he has no idea what to make of it.

Do you...? The whisper is barely understandable because of her hoarse throat. Jyn coughs and tries again, louder but clearly with much effort. Do you have to, you know, go?

Still confused by her reactions, Cassian doesn't respond immediately, and Jyn is moving even further away. It takes him a couple more seconds of frantic reviewing past minute in his head to finally get the meaning of her words.

Ah - no, no, I don't have to, it's fine. He didn't even think about that before, and it seems to be such an obvious thing. No, he doesn't have to go. It is fine just the way is now, in their tiny cozy corner. Cassian almost smiles, but what he hears next wipes out any trace of joy from his face.

Then where are you going? It's such a short question - yet so full of emotions. The most prominent one, the one which he can hear the loudest, is it - _fear?_ But what she could be so afraid of? That he'd just go somewhere, and then what?

 _Ah. Indeed._

Cassian slaps himself mentally. The state of sleepy haze obviously prevented him from correct assesment of the situation. Jyn had to mistake him changing position for getting prepared to escape; to leave her all alone, like many already did. The understanding that dawns on him is surprisingly painful, and just so very sad. Again, it's definitely not a time nor place for musings on how come he's able to feel so much sympathy. The time is to show that he can feel something, understand someone - _a friend_ \- and be a person, not a soldier. Jyn needs him as a person now, needs _him_.

Jyn, just relax. I'm not going anywhere. Come closer, and try to have some more sleep. Cassian is not sure he can talk some sense into person on the verge of panic, but he tries, speaking slowly and calmly, with confidence he doesn't really have at the moment. He doesn't notice his own tightly clenched fists and fingernails digging deeply into skin. He's not aware he's holding his breath and keeps himself perfectly still, until Jyn gradually moves back where she's been sitting. He can feel how her movements are slow, so very jerky and uncertain, but she finally assumes her previous position. When Jyn again melds her body against his, Cassian slowly breaths out and lets his body soften, relax together with her. The relief is surprising and almost palpable. It just all feels so right now.

Just... don't go. Stay, OK? The way she words her plea, the emotions behind it, it all makes Cassian sure this indeed is not about the lack of shared warmth, the danger of hypothermia. It's about Jyn's fear to be left behind again. His instincts get to work before he can mull over the decision. As an answer, he slowly encircles her shoulders and back with his arms, the way she keeps hers around his waist - in careful, yet steady hold. He cuddles Jyn closer and tangles his legs back with hers, showing her that he won't be able to move away without waking her up.

She's obviously very tired, and so is he. But Cassian wouldn't be himself if he wouldn't search for final confirmation. He has to know if his not quite conscious actions are fine with Jyn, if this is what she could've meant.

Are you sure...?

Yeah. It's good.

It's not like he's been planning to move anyway, there was no need to, as of yet. But now, when asked directly to stay, he'd stay even if all hells were to break loose. He tightens his hold around Jyn's shoulders, triggering an appreciative hum from her. Then she quickly goes limp and silent; firmly asleep, again a warm weight against his chest. _It's good,_ echoes inside his skull, loud and clear at first, but then fainter, barely audible next - and then he too falls back to peaceful dreamless sleep. _It's good._


	6. In the eye of the storm (Jyn)

_**A/N:** Jyn's version of previous chapter. Both chapters were initially one, but as a continuous narration it was turning more messy with each new line. Had to start from the scratch with two separate POV's - and believe me, it's truly easier to read now._  
 _I guess it's not really getting_ softer _yet, is it? Not with these amounts of confusion and general angst, I know. But it will be, I promised, remember? ^^'_

* * *

Something drags Jyn out of her suspiciously peaceful sleep. She has no idea what it is, but she doesn't find any immediate danger in the flood of sensations directed at her. The surrounding air is humid, it smells of rainy forest and distant fire, of wet clothing and drenched hair. Herself is warm and mostly dry though. And, she feels safe, closely huddled against someone, a living breathing person. It has to be - _it is_ \- Cassian, his coarse shirt under her cheek and his arm around her waist. She wouldn't trust anyone else to be so close, ever, not even in a situation like this - when it's a matter of survival in hostile environment.

Jyn has woken up bone-tired. She's groggy from constant exhaustion of past days, her muscles sore from long journey and napping in this half-sitting, not-quite-comfortable position. She can't really tell for how long exactly she's been sleeping so far, but it couldn't have been for too long: it's still pitch dark. The planet's day cycle was supposed to be close to standard one, so there's definitely time for more rest. She prepares to go back to sleep, slightly shifting her position. Jyn squeezes her arms around Cassian, assuring herself of his silent presence. Then she wriggles around some more, stretches out legs a bit, and is ready to drowse away once more.

Like a kick in the guts comes a sudden discovery: while she tried to move her legs into position that might cause less stiffness afterwards, Cassian untangled his own legs from hers, stretching them away. Jyn realizes he wants to get up, wants to get out from their impromptu shelter, _wants to get out_.

 _No, no, NO. This can't be happening._ Cassian hates her and wants to leave. She should've predicted that. By making a spectacle of herself, Jyn proved how unreliable her company turns out to be. She won't be a liability, she'll let him go, won't stop him in any way. Hells, she'll make his runaway even easier by granting him freedom of movement. Jyn quickly withdraws her limbs away from Cassian's warm body and scuttles back, deep into the corner. It's not like she's moved by a big distance, but it does make a great difference - she's suddenly very cold, and so very lonely against all the dangers in the galaxy. But she's a fighter, she will make it without Cassian, through the night and then into future; that is, if there is any future for her at all.

 _But..._ She's still exhausted, maybe her mind is playing tricks on her, maybe she just reads too much into the situation, maybe Cassian simply just needs to go because of a nature's call. _Assuming the worst_ is always a reasonable approach, but surely he'd feel obliged to say something first, wouldn't he? Shouldn't she just ask, before letting the panic settle in?

Do you...? Fear is choking on Jyn's throat, but she has to ask, no matter how hard that might be. She coughs and puts all her strength into coherent speech. Do you have to, you know, go?

The silence is deafening while she's waiting for the answer; a couple of seconds stretching out into eternity. She pushes herself away even further, and gets ready for the blow that is sure to come.

Ah - no, no, I don't have to, it's fine. An absent-minded reply, one not giving away a thing; exactly the type of response Jyn would expect from a spy. She's right, then. Still, she has to know for sure. She needs to hear it, loud and clear.

Then where are you going? She really, truly didn't mean to sound so terrified. The words she utters, even to her own ears come out too hysterical. It's too late now though, the question is asked, and all she needs now is an honest answer.

For another long moment not a sound comes from Cassian's vicinity. What a bad luck, in the darkness she can't look him in the eye, read his face. On the other hand, it's better that Jyn's own face is also obscured, as she can feel how overwhelming hurt is changing her features. She can't, she won't give him the satisfaction of seeing her disturbed again so soon.

Jyn, just relax. I'm not going anywhere. Come closer, and try to have some more sleep. That tight, perfectly controlled voice - she knows it well. It's the voice he uses against the marks, when he's trying to persuade a person into something complicated or hazardous. It's the way he speaks to people when the situation is dire and the stakes are high. But this time, there's something else in his voice too, something Jyn has never heard before; at least not from Cassian, never from him. From what she's able to recognize, there's plenty of uncertainty in there, and there is fear as well. He's not sure if she'd listen to him reasoning, he's afraid she won't. Cassian never doubts when he's lying, his lies always ring true. He must be telling the truth then, if he's so obviously afraid of the outcome - _right?_

Jyn might be still hesitant, but her instincts have already decided. Shakily, slowly, she moves back to where she was sleeping only minutes ago, though it seems like hours have already passed. Carefully she leans against Cassian, and it's a strange experience, to feel how his tense muscles are suddenly relaxing, how his taut body lines soften under the contact with her. A strange experience, but not unpleasant, not at all; it's as if Cassian was making place for her, has welcomed her beside him. It's amazing to feel being wanted somewhere. Jyn still needs to make sure though that Cassian understands her point of view; it's part of their ongoing _trust goes both ways_ treaty. What she says is not exactly what she wants to say, and definitely not the way she wants to say; it's what she means nonetheless.

Just... don't go. Stay, OK? She couldn't care less if it made her sound like a scared 8-year-old she used to be. All she cares about is so that Cassian would carry on staying, like he's been always staying for her since the day they'd met. It's no shame to ask for things that out of sudden became vital to her life: a true, unconditional friendship.

Jyn is not sure he got her right when he carefully wraps his both arms around her and tugs her even closer. But she learns he did, when Cassian slowly shifts his long legs to entangle them back with hers, so that he's unable to move away without disrupting her sleep first.

It looks like he needs approval of his actions too, like if he has to know whether he's doing the right thing, when he asks a tentative Are you sure...?

Yeah. It's good. She whispers short confirmation against Cassian's chest, already too sleepy to form more complicate sentences - or less honest ones. Because it is just so very good. It's not only life-saving heat sharing, even if it has started as just that. This is a proof that _sense of safety_ is not just an empty expression. _Someday, one day_ , time and circumstances permitting, she'd have to think about it for a while - and find out since when Cassian's closeness is the same thing as safety, how did it come to this? But, what's now the most important, this whole situation is a proof they still have trust in each other. Cassian is not leaving her after the pathetic display of weakness from the evening before. He didn't find her a burden or a danger to the mission objectives; they're still mission partners and friends. Maybe he wouldn't find her useless either, if she'd tell him about the plaguing nightmares that keep on turning her mind upside down. She has to do this one day too, the sooner the better. Just - not _now._ This, now, whatever it might be called, _it's good._

Jyn is on the far edge of consciousness, when she registers Cassian hugging her tighter for a brief second. It draws from her something that was supposed to be an amused snort, but comes out more like a satisfied hum instead. She shrugs mentally. If he reads it as a praise, then be it - _after all, it's good_. Then she goes back to the dreamless sleep of hers, oddly content after this rather painful break in precious rest. _It's good_.


	7. On fire

_**A/N:** I'm very afraid that I'm stuck with the story T.T It took almost four months to complete Chapter 7, which in the end just had to spawn into 8 and 9 (both to be posted after grammar fixes). I don't really know how to move things further from this place. But it's not a bad place, not at all, so for now please enjoy - and leave a comment if you do! Love getting feedback! And, obviously, any encouragement helps in keeping my silly writing alive 3_

* * *

Bad news is not everything Jyn and Cassian bring to the base.

The dawn comes too quickly for both. They'd still need to rest more. They'd need to mourn more too. And they'd probably need to talk over the recent events as well. There is no time for such luxuries though. They have to leave this cursed place and get back to the base as soon as possible. There's no equipment to salvage, no sensitive data to take care of - only a memory of livings to be taken to those who might care.

Return to the ship is slightly easier than their road here. It is so for two reasons. First, they are both already familiar with the kinds of obstacles this particular jungle area might throw at them. Second, while it's still Jyn who leads the way and picks the path, Cassian no longer just blindly follows. Somehow their partnership is back at its best, their cooperation flawless, letting them efficiently push forward side by side.

The ship is untouched and awaiting at the micro landing pad, exactly where they have left her. Sometimes hoping for the best, but always expecting the worst, they're relieved finding no traces of malicious activity during the outside check. Jyn and Cassian can finally leave the jungle ruins, their sad history and the whole planet far behind. In spite of heavy weariness, they're ready for take-off in the shortest time ever.

After missions with tragic outcome, the length and relative safety of hyperspace return travels is usually _just enough_ : for bodies to start healing, for minds to start adjusting to the post-tragedy reality. Apparently, a bit of healing has already been taking place. It's so weird, how much different the air on the ship is this time. Only a day ago they were like a couple of strangers: together in tiny cockpit, yet as far apart as if it had been light years of distance. It was even more awkward than their first meeting, as hard as it is to imagine. Now things seem to be miraculously fixed, even if neither knows what exactly had been broken. The silence is no longer heavy, communication with just looks and gestures is back. Engulfed with relief, with lots of sadness and anger still lingering beneath, none pays enough attention to curious numbness creeping upon.

Cassian is the first to notice something being off. Slowly it's becoming too hot for him in the cockpit, while he's sure the temperature settings remain unchanged. Quick peek at Jyn, and he knows something is very wrong indeed. Her eyes are glossy, cheeks flushed, unruly hair strands damp and plastered over sweaty forehead. She's giving him slightly unfocused but clearly worried gaze, and Cassian realizes that he must be looking exactly the same: like a person struck with serious illness. He has no idea what is causing this, or if any further symptoms might be appearing anytime soon. The fever alone is already bad though, it has to be taken care of immediately. Cassian leaves Jyn to send the biohazard alert codes to the base when himself tries to unpack medkit, to find antipyretics. His hands are oddly heavy and slow, and - after a minute of clumsy fumbling - medkit contents scatter all over the floor. Startled Jyn almost jumps out from co-pilot's chair, terrified and disorientated. It's so very unlike her to react violently to any clatter, and the realization scares her even more than the noise itself did. Cold fear sends shivers down her spine, one wave after another, until Jyn is unable to stop herself from shivering anymore.

Things are getting worse by the minute, even with meds finally found and taken. Every several seconds it feels too hot and too stifling in the limited space of cockpit; then it's too cold, so cold that breathing is painful and numerous shivers shake the body; from one state to the other, back and forth. It's almost impossible to focus on basic piloting tasks, but they have to - soon they're jumping out of hyperspace. In case of bad landing, it's not just Jyn and Cassian who will suffer the consequences, it's the whole base they will put in danger. There used to be times when such _accidents_ or _collateral damage_ weren't really an issue, not with _the cause_ being the only thing on one's mind. It's no longer the case: Jyn is not Saw's most devoted Partisan anymore, nor is Cassian the top spy completely blind to anything else than the mission objectives. People matter, surroundings matter. No illness can change that. It's a silent promise they make, to not involve anyone else in their potential death. But a runaway is not acceptable. The only option is to try and safely land at the base, weak bodies and minds be damned.

Fighting the illness-induced limitations is a tough task. It drains out all the strength they might still have, already heavily dwindled - with numerous sleepless nights, erratic eating habits and day-to-day survival trickiness. Running on fumes, they somehow make it through the atmo to the final part of flight: the dreadful landing. This one is barely controlled, too close to crash landing for anyone's taste. The ship will require repairs, the landing pad - cleaning, that's for sure. But, in the end, no people nor droids are harmed. It's a relieve to the barely conscious pilots, even if they have not much energy left to actually feel the satisfaction of a job well done.

After that things go hazy and dreamy, too hard to tell apart from memories of different time and place. That limping walk towards the hangar while leaning on each other, high on adrenaline, breathing in scent of smoke - it's not the beach of Scarif, but feels like an eerie reprise of that event anyway. Jyn involuntarily flashes a faint bitter smile over the parallel, and immediately looks to Cassian, ashamed he might notice it. She's surprised seeing her smile reflected in quirk of his lips, in his tired eyes. And then she's suddenly not surprised at all, realizing how often they think and feel very alike each other. But then he trips over something, and stumbles, and she can't keep him upright anymore, and the illusion of past being one with the present is gone. Her body crumples over his, dragged down by Cassian's graceless fall. The last thing she registers are people in bright yellow hazmat suits and lots of loud yelling over heavy boots thudding. But no matter how desperately Jyn clings to consciousness, her world quickly turns very dark and very quiet.


	8. In a mirror (Cassian)

_**A/N** : Jyn's POV is finally up, as Chapter 9. Please enjoy both, and comment if you do!  
_

* * *

Usually, he can tell the difference between dreams and reality by the amount of fine detail he acknowledges. His dreams, or nightmares rather, are full of small things he'd gladly disregard; things he consciously wouldn't want to pay attention to. While awake, Cassian easily cuts himself off from the unwanted sensations. Shrinks have their name for this ability, of course they do. It's called "compartmentalizing", they say. The problem is, this skill, so useful in a life full of grime and blood, does have a particularly nasty side effect on him. All those feelings, views, scents, packed tightly and hidden away, at night come out to torment, mixed and distorted. His dreams always have an additional layer of nuances, overwhelming depths to the short scenes haunting him during his rest.

That's most definitely a nightmare. It's a memory altered beyond recognition, when on a rainy day, among blackened ruins, he looks into Jyn's eyes. He looks - and can't find anything in there, except for tears and endless pain. Jyn seems entirely void of hope, and he strains to process the discovery. It's been her hope that had dragged them all to Scarif, and her hope got them back from there in one piece. It's her fierce spirit that propels them forward since then. Therefore, this couldn't have ever happen, his brain must've been adding and removing things on its own. It's impossible to not see fire in those eyes. Jyn without hope is like Cassian without his masks: a stranger. And yet, just like in their surroundings, there's no fire anymore, only ashes left. Can either be rebuilt, this place or Jyn's inner strength? Can either be fixed, before this all disappears? And should he even care, given how the scene will disappear sooner or later, like all the other dreams before?

Once again, there's a warm soft body wrapped up in his arms. It's a slightly different scene than the one Cassian has got used to, and - truth to be told - silently longs for. Darkness covers everything, so this time he won't be able to look into the woman's face. Not that he has ever been able to recognize her, but a sudden change to such a perfectly repetitive vision is odd. The warmth and scent of the body he holds still seem familiar though, so he doesn't mind the change in the slightest. This is fine, too. Surprisingly less detailed than usual, maybe this version of the nightmare will not make him suffer so much when he wakes up? Maybe the return to reality will be easier, if there's less of amazing sensations to drown in. So, for the time being, he'll fully enjoy the closeness and the utter trust. He will enjoy the projection of things he won't ever have, for as long as it may last this time round.

From sweet company in the darkness, to painful loneliness in the searing light of multiple suns; another nightmare vision - or is it reality already? Ash gray, wide open wasteland stretches out as far as the eye can see. Cracked ground, untouched by rain in months, slows down his route towards whatever destination Cassian is supposed to reach - yet can't recall. It's incredibly hot, not a tiniest hint of shadow anywhere. The man is on the verge of collapsing. Dust, which with each step gets into his eyes, makes the surroundings even tougher to survey, for a source of water or a possible shelter. Could he laugh, he would, but parched throat does not let him make a sound. Cassian is sure this is how he dies - all alone, on a far planet, forgotten by people and the Force both. Still, an operative on duty, he's not allowed to die just like that, out of thirst or with brain fried by the temperature. He needs to do it properly, with his lullaby pill. The irony is that he'd rather die by choking on his dry and swollen tongue, than by swallowing a pill of any sort. If he could, he'd laugh so hard - it's so stupid, so pathetic. But that's exactly how he's been envisioning own death for years now: useless death of an empty person after living an useless empty life. Sounds almost poetic, but there's nothing poetic in an upcoming end. It's just the heat that is messing up with him. Cassian heavily drops on the spot, falling on his back. His last effort is covering eyes with his arm, to not see the horrid light anymore. Streams of cold water running down his head and whole body are just a mirage, created by exhausted mind to sweeten up the last sleep.

This has to be a kind of weird dream as well, when he looks at Jyn laying on a medbay cot beside him. Wide awake he'd avert his eyes for sure, to avoid seeing how her regular clothes are swapped for scrubs. It's an obvious moment of terrible vulnerability, something that Jyn never wants to show, not even to him. Besides, Cassian needs not to know how surprisingly fragile Jyn's body is underneath the clothes, in bright light: thin frame with its old scars, fresh scratches and a rainbow of bruises. He doesn't need to see how layer of perspiration adds sick glow to her pale skin. He really should turn his head away, instead of staring. He ought to ignore the woman when she's struggling to not let a med crew member take away her pendant. Must be still a dream, when he suddenly makes the effort to bark out _"Let her have it"_ , and gets a surprised _"Yes capt"_ in response. Jyn passes out soon afterwards, with her crystal clutched in one hand. The look she gives him a split second before - he wouldn't be able to name what's in it, were the scene real. Were this the reality, he wouldn't want to acknowledge the wave of emotions that reaches him. Cassian would have never allowed himself to feel any of this, to care for any of this. But it's a dream and he can care freely, so he's watching Jyn's steady breathing. Satisfied with her peace, he's guards her calm sleep, until the vision eventually blackens out.

Peace of the medbay gets replaced with sheer horror. Rainy and rocky, Cassian recognizes the area as a tiny fragment of Eadu. It's obviously the day that had changed so much, all over again. Heavy rain keeps on falling exactly like it did back then. Cold water trickles down his spine, plasters his hair over the forehead, makes the rifle slightly slippery. Again, through the rain curtain he's watching how the man in white approaches group of Imperial scientists. This time though, something is not right. It's not just that the things are somewhat different than his memories. Cassian can't control his arms or fingers, he doesn't put away his A280, he doesn't consider disobeying the order. He's a good soldier, and always has been. Morality, conflicts between politicians and military, personal tragedies; neither is of his concern. He swiftly puts Galen Erso out of his traitorous misery with a perfect shot between the eyes. What more, Cassian spots Galen's daughter at the platform too, climbing over the edge - so he takes aim. Something inside him howls, wants him to warn Jyn, but this body is cold and stiff and silent. It doesn't subject to his inner efforts at all, no matter the wails and curses. Instead, Cassian's body targets the woman on its own and pulls the trigger. All he can do is to watch helplessly how a tiny silhouette falls down into the darkness. The shell he's imprisoned within is satisfied with a job well done, and for some reason it sickens Cassian to no end. He's disgusted with this version of reality, he wants - needs - to get out of it. His outer self seems surprised with the inner struggle. Soldiers do what has to be done, he could be just as well a Stormtrooper with this attitude. Luckily, he's on the righteous side of the battlefield. The galaxy is a better place without the Ersos anyway.

It must be another one in series of short nightmares, when Cassian wakes up to someone's cool palm upon his shoulder. If it was real, the person touching him in his sleep would be already severely incapacitated, if not simply dead. You don't just sneak upon a sleeping spy and go away unpunished, period. If this closeness wouldn't feel so soothing, he'd be fighting back. Such intruder should be very, very afraid. Jyn standing by his bed is not scared though. Her tired face indicates she's been through a lot recently. Most probably her state is a result of an illness, as Cassian can guess by the wrinkled and sweaty scrubs Jyn wears. What he can tell with an absolute confidence, is that she's definitely not afraid of him at all. Instead, worry is what mars her face, a puzzling discovery for Cassian. He's relieved though that it's not fear by any means; Jyn obviously trusts him not to hurt her - and he won't, obviously. Instead of violently shrugging her hand off, Cassian covers Jyn's slender fingers with his own, too heavy and clumsy even for a bad dream. He doesn't really know where this abstract idea came from, and it does slightly bother the man. Jyn has initiated the contact, true, but she's not a person who'd appreciate random touch, possibly not even in other people's nightmares. Yet, Jyn doesn't flinch and doesn't withdraw her palm. Actually, this gesture of his elicits tiny smile on her face. Moreover, she doesn't look so concerned anymore, even if her eyes are still firmly locked on his face. It all has happened before, somewhere, somehow, Cassian realizes. But as his dreams are heavily distorted mirror images of reality, he doesn't even try to find the origins of this one. More important is, that something has just made Jyn happy, and Cassian - for no apparent reason - feels something close to happiness deep inside him too.

Then the dream gets even weirder, if it's still the same one. Even if isn't, this is still too bizarre to be real. Jyn suddenly disappears from his sight and confused Cassian doesn't know if the dream might allow him to get up and make sure she's fine. Before he can test his possibilities, she reappears. She's dragging an ugly medbay-issued blanket, similar to the one he's currently covered with. With arched brows and slight flush of cheeks, Jyn looks like someone who wants to ask a very important question. Were this a normal day, Cassian would let her ask it. She's a friend, not a mark, so he doesn't want to read her, he wants to understand her. There is nothing normal about this time and place though, so he already understands, without a word spoken - and agrees, the Force only knows why. With enormous effort he scuttles to the side of the narrow cot, to make place for her. It's definitely not a Wookiee-sized bed, just a rickety narrow thing; but then, they are not Wookiees, just two skinny people on the verge of being malnourished. Jyn flashes him a small relieved smile and climbs up, curling by his side. She manages to spread the blanket messily over them both and then freezes, with her chin propped up his chest. In spite of all those pointy knees and elbows, he's quite comfortable with her weight partially over him and her warmth so close beside him, no matter how sweaty they both seem to be. It's hard to comprehend, but it feels like if they had been through this procedure thousand of times already, it's been so quick, efficient, familiar and - welcomed.

Cassian is not sure how should he behave now: it's all a trick of his mind after all. He decides to follow the logic of the current dreamworld. If they both are exactly where they want to be, then why not to let this continue? Then Jyn looks up at his face, like if still searching for an answer of sorts, so Cassian smiles at her. He gathers her closer, secures her back with his arm, so that she won't fall down from their shared bed. This seems to answer her unspoken question. Jyn immediately turns her head to the side, presses one cheek against his chest and closes eyes, like if ready for sleep. It makes perfect sense, Cassian supposes. It's medbay and they're ill, so they need to rest. He'd very much like to rest, actually. He's just not sure whether the urge is real, or is it just a part of hyper-realistic dreamy vision. Such an intense effort of imagination apparently can be heavily exhausting for a person. It's no wonder he wakes up from such fitful sleep more and more tired. Maybe he should listen to what his subconsciousness is telling him at the moment. Maybe a bit of rest within a dream would affect him outside of it as well? There's nothing to lose, it doesn't hurt to try. Cassian makes sure that Jyn won't tumble over the edge from her spot, and closes eyes as well. He's wishing for a sleep within sleep, wishing for his mind to turn off for a while. He will succeed, eventually.

Still, it'd be nice if that last bit of this night's dreams was his - their? - reality instead. He could get used to that. It's strange and unfamiliar, long forgotten, experienced in his mind only, but it's so good.  
Warmth and safety.  
Trust and care.  
Someone near and dear.  
It feels - feels like home.

With that thought, at long last Cassian falls into emptiness, his mind finally at rest for a while.


	9. In a mirror (Jyn)

_**A/N1:** No idea where this should go now. No idea either why this starts to look a lot like a heavily inconsistent prequel to an older story of mine, _"Safe" _. Just no idea at all - pretty much norm when it comes to my writing. Or crafting. Or whole living, in general xD_

* * *

Jyn finds herself deep in the darkness. It's a completely dark, very moist and terribly cold place. She's back at the cave from years ago, that dreadful place she gets back to over and over again. She shivers and curls up as much as she can, to hide: an unimportant tiny ball of fear and sorrow. She cannot be seen, cannot be found, ever. This way she'll be out of harm's way once and for all, forever hidden from pain; forever hidden from joy; forever hidden from - life. She'll become a pile of moldy bones and rotting tissues before she's even properly dead. The idea seems wrong somehow, revolting, it makes Jyn shudder. Still, she curls up even tighter to meld into one with wet rocks, to bury herself alive.

Bit by bit, horrid place shifts around her, and finally Jyn is fully conscious - and utterly confused. Suddenly all turns bright and hot around her. Warm air full of sharp smells fills her lungs. Disinfectants and bacta; flood of light; surely this can't be the cave anymore?

Obviously, it's not. Brightness seeps thought her eyelids and Jyn's eyes refuse to cooperate against it - she can barely keep them open. What little she is able to see after all, confirms the place is far from caves of any sort. Apparently, this is the good old medbay at the Rebellion base. Those familiar walls make a welcomed sight, even if Jyn tends to visit the place way too often. Relief she feels at the recognition of her surroundings is both calming and terribly exhausting. She'd gladly go back to rest at this exact moment, cozy under rough heavy blanket. Although, one nagging thought at the back of her head makes the woman too alarmed for sleep. There's one thing she needs to know as soon as possible, like _now._ Because, how the heck has she found herself in the stupid medbay this time around?

The poor landing Jyn does remember quite well. It wasn't one bad enough to send her under any treatment though. Quick mental assessment of her condition doesn't bring up anything unusual. She seems to have a fairly common collection of bruises and scratches, coupled with strained muscles of her back. That would be all for any physical damage, so there has to be something else, something worse - and Jyn strains to solve the riddle. Her fingers find the kyber pendant on their own in its usual place, pressed firmly against her breastbone; it's what always happens when she's thinking so hard. That's how she makes a curious discovery that she's not wearing her own clothes, but a set of drab scrubs instead. It's not like if Rebellion has many of those to spare, their medical supplies are dwindling with each mission and each skirmish. This has to be truly serious, to not let her keep her own rags on. Something really wrong is going on in here. She should get up and find answers on her own, instead of laying and waiting for Force knows what, Jyn decides. But - she's too weak to even grab the blanket properly, not to mention to pull it away and get on her feet. The bit of skin she manages to push from under the fabric instantly feels cold, even though the rest of her body is hot beyond comfortable. Jyn's palms are sweaty, her whole skin feels clammy, and the garb she's wearing is completely drenched with sweat. It's a sorry state, much worse than after any of her worst nightmares. _What the...?_

 _Jungle. Death. Darkness. Rain. Illness._

Flood of memories hits her hard. Jyn curls up tightly again, in a vain attempt of blocking out the pain. It's no use, the acknowledgement of yet another witnessed tragedy hurts, and hurts more than it should. It wasn't the first wartime atrocity she'd been a witness to, nor it will be the last one, unfortunately. Still, seems like this was one too many, piling atop Jyn's stack of recent issues. Sleep deprivation, Eadu connotations, mysterious disease, that's a real shitload to handle by just one very tired person. Except, that there wasn't only _one_ person, if she recalls things right. There were _two_ of them tired people, herself and -

 _Shit. What happened to Cassian? Dammit, where is he?_

Jyn suddenly finds it in her to overcome the weakness. She has to know what could've happened to the only person that didn't leave her - as of yet. It's tough, but she manages to roll on her back and throw the blanket away. Such simple actions and she's out of energy again, quickly getting cold, dangerously close to passing out. It's her pendant, a tiny warm spot on her chest, that keeps Jyn focused enough to continue. A couple of shaky breaths, then she scrambles upright and manages to sit at the edge of bed, mess of a person. Jyn's dizzy, she's panting and shivering, fresh wave of sweat is streaming down her back. She's so laughably weak that even her hair seems too heavy now, wet knot like a piece of rock dragging her head backwards while the crystal pulls her head forward and down. She props her elbows on knees and sinks face in her hands, unable to do anything more than simply breathe.

 _It will soon pass._ The symptoms are not too specific, but if it's anything like pesky tropical fevers that had happened to Jyn in the past - it will all pass, soon. Fluids, antipyretics and lots of rest should take care of the problem altogether. Were she a patient person, she'd appreciate the time spent on healing. She should appreciate the rest time, rare as it is. A bed, a blanket, a piece of solid roof above her head - these are still luxuries to her. Even if Jyn belongs with Rebellion and has every right to use their supplies as necessary, there's nothing sure about her future, there had never been. Taking immediate advantage of the provisions offered is the only way to survive, as always. But, there are still things she has no idea of. She can't precisely recall past hours - or maybe even days. She doesn't know where Cassian is, what had happened to him. The uncertainty gnaws on her, and it may turn into full-fledged panic attack any minute now. _Just breathe, slowly._

Jyn is still trying to gather energy necessary to get up when an eerie sound shakes her out of the reverie. It's a kind of shriek, and while it's not really loud, this inhuman noise is freezing blood in her veins anyway. It's coming from somewhere nearby, and it's terrifying, so it spurs her into action in no time. With no conscious thought she's immediately on her feet, ready to fight. What she finds is not what she could expect, but it brings relief of sorts, even if it's still a startling revelation too.

The source of horrid noise is - Cassian.

Jumping off her bed Jyn has nearly bumped into his, stuffed tightly into this small space. She recognizes the place as a closet-sized spare room, mostly meant for fatally injured, sometimes used as an isolation ward. Jyn shakes off thoughts of people suffering and dying in this exact spot; completely focuses her attention on Cassian. The man is laying on a cot like hers, covered with blanket like hers, the huge difference being the amount of impromptu IV stands by the head of the bed. There's one at hers, with an empty bag; there's half a dozen at his, with several empty bags. More obvious difference is that she's shaky and exhausted, but up and about - and Cassian is still unconscious and deep in fever. The noise he's making through clenched teeth is a clear sign of a heavy distress, like the scowl on his sweaty face. The noise, it's a muffled scream of someone in the throws of a nightmare, Jyn realizes, and her heart sinks. She can relate, having bad - _and much worse than just bad_ \- dreams, almost every damn night. Cassian needs to get out of it, he needs calm sleep the most of all the people she knows. He deserves calm sleep the most of all the people she knows. Without proper rest he'll never fully recover from whatever illness they both have caught, either. But how does one try to wake up a person with all instincts trained for survival at any cost? Anyone who'd want to wake her up in similar situation would face her combat skills, dulled by the state of her body, but the more dangerous due to lack of conscious control.

"Cassian?"

Jyn doesn't recognize her own voice in the croak that gets past her lips. But she just has to make this work, so tries again.

"Please wake up, it's all okay now"

It doesn't get any better: not her voice, nor Cassian's condition.

No med staff around. No comms. No help. Jyn is not even surprised, not really. Recently it's been always down to relying on each other, for the two of them. It's all down to her now, to help Cassian. It looks like she needs to use physical means of waking him up - and it's clearly a very bad idea, but the only she can come up with. Forcing the physical contact now is reckless, to put it mildly. It's risky. And it's not just because Cassian, a seasoned fighter, might attack her. Jyn winces at the thought of unwanted touch; she'd hate it and knows he would too. But if it's necessary, then be it. Just, how to approach the task? No way she'd poke or shake the man, he doesn't deserve such a brutal treatment. No way she'd slap him either, even if there used to be times when she wanted to do it so badly. Jyn needs to be gentle, to not hurt Cassian in any way, to not add any kind of pain to the torment he already goes through.

The gentlest touch she can quickly recall is actually a fresh memory: of Cassian. Back then, when Jyn has been drowning in self-pity among burnt ruins, he was there for her, ready to help in most unexpected way. That palm on her shoulder, it was an unannounced, completely surprising movement. Yet, it didn't turn unpleasant. It wasn't unwanted touch - it was much needed, much welcomed. It had calmed her down, allowed to get back to reality. Somehow Cassian knew it would work this way. He and she are not that different in many ways, so she will try and mimic his idea. It's the only help she can offer.

Either the Force has some doing in this, or it's just sheer luck, but Jyn's hand on Cassian's upper arm does wonders. The horrid low howl suddenly ceases. The man's face relaxes to somewhat more usual expression. Then he opens his eyes. They are still glossy with fever, yet he manages to fix eyes on her like a fully conscious person. Jyn is dizzy with relief, but still vigilant. She freezes in place when Cassian slowly moves his own palm to cover hers, with his hot fingers against her cool skin. She can't help but smile, seeing the mirror image of what had happened to them before. His move shows he approves of what had to be done, and another wave of relief almost knocks Jyn down. Although, it's not necessarily due to relief only. Jyn realizes how her bare feet are stone-cold, her knees wobbly with fatigue, how another trail of sweat starts its way down her back. It won't be long before she collapses. Her own well-being needs some consideration too, especially when her body almost screams for rest and warmth.

Again, the closest memory of rest and warmth is a fresh one, of Cassian. In spite of grim circumstances, it's a pleasant memory of safety; of assuring closeness; finally, of wonderfully dreamless sleep. Repeating this without dire necessity, outside of an assignment, would be improper. It'd be crossing of too many boundaries. It'd be forcing herself upon a person who might not want it. Yet, somehow, Jyn is sure it will bring good to them both. Carefully, she slids her hand from under Cassian's fingers and steps back to retrieve own blanket. Her absence was maybe ten seconds long, but he already looks alarmed - and then immediately goes back to relaxed upon seeing her again. That reaction - overreaction - stops Jyn from any movement at all. _He's not in his right mind yet_ , she figures. How to explain a half-conscious man in fever what is it that she's planning to do?

Even in fever, Cassian understands her better than anyone. He clearly knows what does she mean when standing by his bed with another blanket. And - he doesn't seem disturbed by the idea in the slightest. Instead, with much effort, he scuttles away from the narrow bed's edge to make room for her. Jyn tries hard to make a quick job of settling beside the man - why to drag out the awkwardness? She even manages to toss her blanket fast over them both, more or less precisely. Then Jyn stills, curled up at Cassian's side, her chin propped over his chest. She watches his face closely, waiting. _Just in case he'd change his mind, just in case I've got it all wrong and have to run._ That's why she refuses to sink deeper into inviting comfort of the shared bed, that's why she's ready to jump off at the tiniest hint she's not welcomed here after all.

As if in response to the unasked question, Cassian sneaks his arm between the blankets and circles Jyn's back. She's not able to move away easily anymore. She won't be able to easily fall off of the cot's edge in her sleep, either. The sudden overwhelming sense of safety her brain reads as a signal to turn off in 10, 9, 8... Without further ado, Jyn lays her cheek against Cassian's chest and closes eyes. She's so exhausted in both body and mind, that barely registers Cassian huddling her closer. _Didn't that happen sometime ago, too?_

 _It's like returning home_.

She doesn't know where the stray thought came from - _must be still fever._ And yet, the idea makes her smile. _Home._ Jyn could live in one, the one where Cassian would live too.

With such an oddly pleasant image in mind, Jyn finally falls asleep.

* * *

 _ **A/N2:** Fun fact: initially Chapter 7, 8 and 9 were one. Initial title for their draft version was "Medbay, capt. obvious"._  
 _Do I get a_ facepalm of the year _award? xD_


End file.
